nevermind the question itself, it changes constantly.

the essence is that drive, that unsatiable urge to push the edge, to search, to experiment, to express, to evolve, to create instantly and incessantly in every aspect of our lives. It is to make a conscious, deliberate, courageous statement: I am the one with the world and it is to me to contribute to the benefit of the whole universe.

why then not to make it my mission statement? why not finally be the change? why not live up to that ultimate goal, daily?

... makes a great new years resolution for the rest of my life :)

peace to all of ya!!
with love
Janusz

I squat in a completely dark room with my face covered in my palms, I weep, I cry, I long, I miss ... yet I know not a reason ...

it is not dissatisfaction, not hestitation, neither pain, nor saddness, nor pity ...  it is just an inner, innate, incessant longing floating just below the surface of daily existence,  present but invisible, felt but unrecognizable. it is the question mark ? flashing instantly underneath my consciousness, pulsating with my blood, vibrating in my cells, shivering down my spine ...

it is not fear, not dread, neither hate, nor anger, nor despair ... it is just a burning, overwhelming solitude,  among your beloved, amidst six billion people ...

... but what is the question itself?

today, I got panic-stricken, without any particular reason. i shrunk into a wrenched, drained, tensed biomass of sullen despair ... my mind turning into a filmstrip of fears, threats, defeats, tragedy and horror  - a collage of hopelessness ...

... but I withstood that storm ...

... by allowing myself to sink down to the bottom, detached of the emotions exploding in me, indulged into still observation of the state. I just let it all happen, taking no action, but be.. PRESENT!

what does it mean to be present, how do you define the verb present in terms of direct experience and above all how to live here and now? …

check out an essay by R.A. Masters in which he has verbalized, blazingly clear, what has been the point of my enquiry for all those years. It is simply genius…

none. to my greatest regret. I simply do not remember them. most of the time. I do sometimes recall shattered bits and the only impression I am left out with is that I have no control over my dreamt self and the dreamt environment. however ... there are exceptions

once, maybe twice a year I have this dream, vivid to the tiniest detail, of me flying over the most beautiful mountains, valleys and oceans (the diversity and multiplicity of landscapes is simply breathtaking!). I feel myself hoovering, the wind caressing my hair, genlte breeze skimming my skin, smell the freshness of spring morning humid air filling up my lungs and sense that unqestionable unity with the world as it is. I am just submerged completely into the bliss of the moment ... exquisite, delicious :)

when I was in highschool my greatest dream was to go to the States, it was nearly obsessive :) and I was 'haunted' by the dream of myself sitting in the plane, knowing I am going to U.S. It was so lucid I could tell all the details concerning the interiors, passangers, even the smell of the food served and the texture of the seat... I am all present and aware, cherishing the moment to the accompaniament of humming engines, filled with excitement and joy.
... the moment of waking up to reality was so sudden that usually it took me a while to pinpiont my exact location (the plane seat or bed??) but undoubtedly was highly depressing.
And guess what ... I flew to the states:) twice! just a couple of years later ... [and it was helluva achievement back then - to get accepted for 'work and travel' programme (2 exams and an interview to qualify and 1000 of applications - 100 people going), to get visa, to get the money  (it was an equivalent of my mums yearly pay!!)]

dreams do come true ... when you want something with literally every molecule of your entity (another helluva achievement :))

live your dreams!

good education is to inspire to daring, objective exploration and than facilitate the exploration with provision of multitude of perspectives (approaches) and the tools for integral cognition and application of acquired knowledge.

teach to think for oneself, to explore for oneself, to experience oneself

peace

9 years. 100 months of ups and downs, highs and lows, love and hate, ecstasy and numbness - a total freaking rollercoaster that ended up in unpleasant divorce ...

We had our moments of magic, but the older we got, the more we parted ... none of us realizing the gap widening ... and we continued the madness of constant truce negotiations (exchange of demands, conditions and concessions) ignorantly and naively attached to the projection of ideal partners we were once to be ... until it all collapsed with an outburst of frustration demolishing the sand castle of apparent security and stability.

But I have learned the most important lessons of my life:

• to love and respect myself (how can you love anyone when unable to love yourself)
  
• to accept my loneliness (detachment) - it is hard to be in a relationship, unless you learn how to live alone ...
• to regain confidence (fear not of what you are)
  
• to find the courage and grit to stand for my vision (say no assertively)
  
• and mostly, to love others ... unconditionally, unlimitedly, unendingly ... expecting nothing in return (detachment) - love being the ultimate goal
  

... and I got married again  ... it has been two years already and I am still breathless when thinking of HER ;) and our SON of course!

peace, love, integrity
Janusz

writing comments is a spiritual practice :)

"whenever I find myself sailing on the cloud of contentment, immersed in self-appreciation and love for the world, I suddenly loose ground and get thrown into the energy-drained pit of self-doubt and melancholy (usually by little things, unpaid bill, ticket, unclosed deal, traffic etc.)

And then I have to drag myself out, arduously rebulding confidence and my sense of self-worth, desperatly searching for a balm to soothe my soul … (zaadz does recently suffice :))

I have noticed however that the more conscious of the present moment I am, the more focused on the processes inside me I get, the easier it is to get myslef back up on my feet, shake off the dust and walk with smile".

self-observation, in detachment, RULES!!

we are all ONE

we are searching for the ways and tricks to make us happy, we are making plans, setting up goals, re-arranging our direct surroundings (be it our relationships, work, housing, etc.)  believing that it all will grant us happiness (me so included) ...

would not it be just easier to choose to be happy ... unconditionally?

it is our choice to be angry, mad, grumpy, depressed, content, dissatisfied, sad, morose, joyful, etc. although we always tend to blame conditions or shift the blame to others ... acting as machines programmed to respond unconsciously ...

we can take the responsibility for our actions and reactions by being aware of our responses to emotions aroused by certain conditions. We can learn to notice and observe them without acting upon them (and believe me you always have at least two choices - act or not)

practicing appreciation and gratitude can teach us to act with love ... and then there is nothing to make us unhappy ...

peace, love, integrity

I have not written a single chapter, although I have learnt to play consciously in the theatre of life and life does respond, does change with me ...

if I was given a chance to write my life story, I would have opted out ... as I believe it would have limited the direct experience of life as it is, would have narrowed my perception and reception ..

life is all about the unexpected ... for only facing the unknown gives you that unique chance of discovering your true self, a possibility of stepping out of and beyond learned patterns, of developing and acting upon intuition ...

progress is a response to unknown and unexpected

peace

children definitely. they laugh wholeheartedly, love uncoditionally, play vividly, learn passionately and live presentfully, exploring the world with genuine marvel ...

I have the honour to be a father of 15 month-old boy who is one of my greatest teachers ... and the greatest joy in my life ...

peace, love, integrity